I wish I could die today – ZENNY

25 Aug

Stephen is coming back

Life is so cruel. More to it, it will never tell you what is coming and no matter how much you wanted things to happen, sometimes it will never go in your direction. It will hit you far from, stab you and sink so deep within. It is painful and unbearable.

I wish I could die today. Everything is covered with darkness. I can only see holes, where I wanted to escape from this tremendous throbbing reality – holes of death, the way to end it for me. I can still see Stephen in my dreary mind with the new girl, not just a girl but he soon wife to be.

How this thing happens in one blink? and becomes a lifetime of sorrow?

What did I do wrong?  Why I didn’t comprehend this thing will happen?

Why? why?  I want to stop asking myself and just drift apart from this heartbreak.

— 00—

“Zeny! Zeny!”  I woke up when I heard my sister’s Shane voice knocking at my bedroom door.

“Zeny! Zeny!”  She shouted.

I lifelessly stoop up and opened her.

“What happen? “She asked.

I stared at her. Of course she still doesn’t know what had happened. I am pretty sure she will be devastated.  Shane loves Stephen as a brother, and just like me she was waiting for his return too impatiently. I was about to open my mouth to explain when she cut me down.

“Stephen is on the phone, he wants to speak with you.” She said eagerly. “I thought you two met already at the airport, what happen to your eyes? Did you cry Zeny?”

Oh God, I need to tell her. But I think I couldn’t.  Tears just run down to my cheeks again and am starting to sob.

“Zenny…” she whispered. She couldn’t hide her fears, it might be her first time seeing me ruin. I slowly walked to reach the phone, Stephen is waiting. Maybe he will explain and tell me what’s going on. Or perhaps this is just a dream and he will tell me everything is fine, that he’s not getting married, that he still loves me. Wake up Zenny! I told myself, please wake up!

As I start to hold the phone up to my ear, I could hear my heart trembling so fast, so fast that I could hear only his husky voice, the voice that I thought would only whisper my name, the voice that I am afraid to lose.

Zenny.. can we talk?” he asked.

“Step..…” and I cried.

 

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To be Continued…

Stephen is coming back

25 Aug

I am all preparing this day. I am going to meet him.

There are lots of people in the airport arrival waiting area, everyone is smiling. Of course I have my best dress on and a little make up. I only put it on for him. I miss him so much and I have been waiting for more than a year of his return.

Stephen is my long distance boyfriend. But before that, we have been best of friends turned into lovers, and when his family didn’t surpass the financial crisis, he resolved himself to help them by working abroad.

For all you know, it wasn’t an easy option for me to accept, but since this is one of the inevitable realities of life, I just acknowledged it as part of my loyalty to his love.

The two years of long distance communication wasn’t that simple, same to sustain the trust is indisputably difficult, but for Stephen, I was able to comprehend everything. And now I am going to meet him after all the dreadful days of waiting.

I am going to surprise him. He didn’t say to me personally that he is coming back today. His sister Nancy just informed me. Of course I am not upset with him for not letting me know, I know Stephen, he loves to surprise me.

The time has come. I saw Stephen. I am standing very close to the arrival area. A woman is walking with him, clinging in his arm, leaning her head on his shoulder. Both of them are waving in my opposite direction, I follow, and I saw Nancy looking at me with a shameful, sad eyes.

“I’m sorry Zenny, what you see is Stephen and his soon wife to be – Nancy”

I got the txt message and I just stared at the ground.

Can’t see Stephen right now. Tears are cruelly pouring down.

 

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To be Continued….

 

 

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MY SURVIVAL IS MY SUCCESS.

25 Aug

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What is success? How do I define it with my own experience and defeats? Well, I have my own definitions, maybe most of you would not agree.

I only considered success when I was at school, fantasizing I could achieve anything when I fly out to the real world.  At this instant, I ceased to think about it – anymore.  I am in the midst of battle, and when you are in combat, you could no longer think of success, but only how to live and to survive.

“Success is the achievement of something planned or attempted.

Survival is staying alive or in existence despite of.”

I just thought, success is only for those who have enormous courage to fight for their own dreams – from those who have tried to block their victory and even have the ability to control their destiny. Success is not to those who are afraid to take risks, who has only limited imaginations, not for those who can’t fully trust themselves and who worries too much to fail.

You can have success if you are brave.

 You can survive if you don’t choose.

How can I be successful when I am just following the flow, when lifting the burden only I can carry. I don’t go beyond what I cannot do. I have never tried to surpass afar. I am just too comfortable in my comfort zone.

My survival is my success.

 

 

 

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TIRED.

23 Aug

She sat across from me, looking exhausted and defeated.

“I am horribly tired.” she said.

“Not again” I sighed.

Her grumble hit a familiar chord, as if her words echoed within me.

tired

 

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Beautiful Mind (K-drama 2016)

18 Aug

Beautiful Mind. Beautiful story. Beautiful ending.

 

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I don’t know why this drama suffered from low ratings. I would say, it’s a hidden gem to be understood. Though they cut down the two episodes from 16 to 14 roughly, I didn’t expect it would wrap up well and timed. The finale was the full hit of bumpy rides with tears, laughter, hopes, forgiveness, retreat and reconciliation. Beautiful mind gave a sense of HUMANITY to appreciate life, MORALS, to believe what you can do for others and Norm ACCEPTANCE between what is unusual and not, for what you are and of becoming you to be.

I highly appreciated the amazing performance of our main protagonist Jang Hyuk, a genius neurosurgeon with zero sympathy or devour with social disorder.  You can see how he struggled his life to become one of us and to become a good doctor, despite how people treated him as a psychopath.

So, don’t be deceived by the ratings, the story is more original and captivating. It wouldn’t be perfect, but they have ended it with what truly mattered – the importance of humanity.

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BURDEN

17 Aug

Burden.

Let me unload you
This is so far I can go
I’m scared you weighing me down
I pray, with the wind you will gone.

Burden.

Stop punishing me
for whatever I did you see
Seeking solace with such distaste
Unbearable, I could no longer take.

Burden.

I will take you
out of me
Don’t need the heavy crown
To whip my sanity.

Burden.

I have stumbled, but learned
Enough of your darkest game
Let me free you with my sharpened Faith
To the world, I give it all the way.

womancarrying2

In response to the Daily Post Challenge: BURDEN

 

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Peculiar

16 Aug

Don’t pay attention to my mind

if you don’t want to feel shivers

from all my mental crimes.

Yes, I am peculiar.

 

 

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